It’s an age-old question, and one that causes all of us anxiety at some point as we look at the bill sitting on the table and wonder if we should grab it … But offering is the right thing to do (and being prepared to follow up with you pay for your half, your beautiful illusion of a girl-in-shining-armor might be tarnished on the spot.For instance, I was out with a woman once, and it came time to pay the check.I like to consider myself a pretty big tomboy, but she in this case was a little more “butch” than I was. ) lesbian dating rules" alt="lesbian dating rules" src="She had asked me out, but I did offer to pay my share simply to be courteous (I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling her, if you know what I mean.) Well imagine my surprise when she actually let me do it! The Other Team.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/dating-rules.png" width="350" height="350" srcset=" The Other Team.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/500w, The Other Team.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/dating-rules-150x150150w, The Other Team.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/dating-rules-300x300300w" sizes="(max-width: 350px) 100vw, 350px" / There are no set rules on who should initiate a date, although there will be clues if you’re the one who should be doing the asking. you won’t have to worry about her roommate popping in as you start to get into the mood)?I was kind of shocked that a radical butch like herself would pigeonhole me like this, but it was an Obama-esque teachable moment in which I learned that I, as a femme-reading woman, am supposed to be exclusively into masculine folks because of—well— heteronormativity – or in this case, homonormativity.The textbook definition of heteronormativity is “the institutions, structures of understanding and practical orientations that make heterosexuality seem not only coherent – that is, organized as a sexuality – but also privileged.”, as Everyday Feminism contributor Laura Kacere has graciously helped us to understand it, is, in part, how queer folks ourselves can perpetuate our own-community assumptions – like femmes exclusively date masculine presenting folks.describes not only “that queer people want to be a part of the dominant, mainstream, heterosexual culture, and the way in which our society rewards those who do so,” but also that there are ways of being that are validated and expected even amongst radical queers.
After a few high-key irritating exchanges with various people making erroneous comments about me and my gender identity based on my relationship, I compiled a short list of lessons I’ve learned these past few months.While she’s catching her breath, I release her wrists, rubbing them lightly and kissing the marks my belt made.I give her a moment to flex her arms and bring her palms up to her shoulders.I went from “on the fence” to over the fence in a hurry on that one just because I felt like her decision to allow me to pay was in bad taste. For instance, if yours is an old-school Butch/Femme pairing, you can bank on the fact that the Femme is most likely waiting for the Butch to make the first move. Men have been complaining about that one for centuries. Then there are other questions to consider based on a well you actually know each other. Do you trust her enough to go into her home blindly?I personally love doing the asking and feel a sense of satisfaction from making the first move. If you aren’t in the full trusting mode of your relationship, you may want to stick with public places.Kim Tran is a doctoral candidate in Ethnic Studies and Gender, Women’s and Sexuality Studies at UC Berkeley.